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Saturday, June 17, 2006

The Education Of Debra Calloway

Some of you I know are more wordly than me, you could have at least given me a heads up about the Tom Jones concert. (I assure you it would've been appreciated :D)

As we sat six rows from the stage, I glanced around the crowded Nokia Theatre thinking to myself, 'Wow, there are so many people older than me, we can just sit here and relax without having to participate in the concert.'


The first thing that caught my attention was this pretty, sweet looking grandmother that jogged down to the stage, (at this point she was the only person in front of the stage) there she preceeded to swing a precious peach lacy panty over her head. She threw it with all her might towards Tom. Unfortunately for her, her aim was off and landed on a bald security guard's head. As her face turned red, she covered her mouth and said, "Oops!" Then ran away.

Now several women ran down to the stage twirling panties over their heads, one lady boasted of a pair of size 4X whitey-tighties swinging through the air. So, this takes care of all the elderly ladies, now onto the teenagers. These little girls had twisted g-strings around their wrist and commenced in sling shotting them at Sir Tom. The security guards rushed over to them and asked them to please stop. The girls reply, "But, please we've got one more!" Zing!

Let's see where was I? The elderly women are twirling panties over their heads and teenage girls are sling shotting g-strings, oh, yes, my age group of women. Well, they slung bras. One in particular, made me bust a gut. The woman threw a triple 'D' black, bra up on to the stage and snagged herself a ringer around Tom Jones' ankle! He jumped back and shook his leg like he had been bitten by a snake, when he realized what the humongous thing was, he stopped singing to laugh. I guess it's true, things really are bigger in Texas!

But my, my, my what I saw next took my focus off of Tom and onto the 'other show.'

A beautiful woman in a white sundress, wiggled her way through the throng of women at front stage, to stand in front of Tom. He sang, "Baby, take your coat off" and she tugged her straps down. "Baby, take your clothes off" her hands feverishly tugged at the zipper on her back as she pole danced a seductive dance. (At this point I'm assuming she's a professional, however how I came to this knowledge? I don't know. Can't say I've ever really seen a stripper before.) The guards rush over to her, as Sir Tom is winking at her, to plead with her not to take her top off, "Ma'am there are children in the audience." And there were! I might not be wordly and may be a whole lotta of naive, but I sure know not to take my kids to a Tom Jones concert. Hello?

So what happened after the concert? Well let's just say this is an anniversary trip, honey and I alone in a jacuzzi suite...

Yes, that's right a perfect opportunity for my Lucille Ball Moment of the evening. I switched the hot water on, I pulled a towel out of the basket and what did I find? "Oh, honey, what's this? Oooh..." A large bottle of bubble bath. (Yes, I can hear you now saying,"Oh, Debbie, you didn't!" Yes, I did!) I poured one capful of bubbles under the swirling steamy water. "Hmmm, no bubbles?" I poured a second capful of bubbles into the stream of water. "Well, for goodness sakes it must be that bargain brand bubbles" There goes the third capful.

The jets whirled, and I sunk into the water. I opened my eyes and I couldn't see. I must be heaven for its surely all white. "Dudley?" I hollered over the roar. "Dudley, help me!"

He stumbles over to find me in the midst of the clouds. "Dileen, just how many capfuls did you put in this thing?" He sounded kinda mad. I just don't know why?


He grabbed the ice bucket and started shoveling bubbles...on me! "Aren't you going to help me?" I squawked.

"You saddled this horse, you can ride it." He walked away.

I finally figured how to turn the thang off. Did I mention the shopping was fun?


mary beth said...

I'm never looking at bubbles the same way again.

L.D. K. said...

I am totally and absolutely convinced, now more than ever, that you should most assuredly try your hand at writing comedy. (Hey, you can write inspirational comedy, right? I mean, you don't have to go totally over to the Dark Side. *wink* I mean, one Karen Kelley in the world is enough. *grin*)

Great story, Deb. Thanks for sharing. :-)


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