Bible Gateway

Friday, June 09, 2006

I Lost My Virginity

Next month, I will attend conference not as a virgin, but as a second-timer. Last year, I wore the first timers ribbon and was warmly welcomed by conference veterans. I gladly received free books and promotional items.

But I want to address what I learned at conference, which leads me to the subject of transportation. Last year, was not only my first conference, but also my first plane flight. Please learn from my mistakes! When you need to use the restroom do as your momma taught ya and go before lift off. I learned while on the plane, toilet paper will not stay on the toilet lid. Also, when seated in the middle of the plane, and you feel a sudden jerk, do not panic and scream, "We're goin' down! We're going down!" Shaking your head emphatically while gripping the arm rest. "God please forgive me for stealing Barbie hangers when I was six!" Know that this jerking motion is only the landing gear deploying. However, do look for something to throw at your traveling companion's heads who are laughing hysterically at your expense.

Next, register as soon as you get to conference to avoid standing in long lines. Make a plan for what workshops you want to attend and highlight them in your booklet. Do checkout the Spotlights on different publishing houses, there you can pick up free books autographed by your favorite authors.

Now here's a lesson I learned the hard way. Never go to a comedy club unless you absolutely know the comedians performing and never ask aloud while there, "Isn't there a school or something for comedians to be trained? Geez, that was bad!" Using some discretion should pull you through this one.

During a luncheon, never assume that it's just one fish your allergic to and say, "Well, I'll just eat it for the Halibut!" After breaking out with a face full of hives, I now can safely assume that all fish is off the menu. But, the Halibut steak was so delicious!

Lastly, wear something comfortable to the awards banquet and ceremony. Avoid girdles and stilettos at all cost. Just know that after long lines and an equally long evening you will look more like a swollen pimple by the end of the night.

There will be a time when your babies cries and your husband's voice calls out to you in your sleep. Do call home frequently. Don't sit on a bench in the corridor of the hotel bawling your eyes out because your family won't answer the phone. Know that their out having fun without you and you can wop them on their heads when you return home. But then again, by the time you get home you'll be so happy all you'll want is hugs. And lots of 'em.


Kei Swanson said...

sGreat comments for RWA conference Virgins! It's alway nice to have a head's up on what to expect.

I see you've forgotten the don't crumble up your rolls while you wait for your meal. Or look at the salad, and have your Texas Beef lovin' heart shout out, "Is this all there is?"

You know, corraling you two virgins was enough to drive me to drink! And I went gladly! Why do you think I was out of the room by dawn and down at the casino? Thought I was gambling, huh? No! I was drinking--more sake, samurai waiter!!

This year you will find the event much more fulfilling. The newness is gone, your more confident, and you'll grow. And I can't think of anyone I'd rather be rooming with.

Debra said...

As for the rolls, if they wouldn't serve them as hard as a rock I wouldn't have had to crumble it. Besides, I was bored and playing with the food was fun. (Despite what my kids think their mom's view is on the subject)

Someone once told me that high end quality bread was hard. Excuse me, but will you please pass the buttered, flaky, biscuits and milk gravy? I like mine soft.

And as for the salad, alls I gots to say is, "Beef it's whats for dinner!" What's a Texas gal to do?

By the way, you are the best conference mom, I don't care what they say about ya. (Hee, hee) Maybe next time I'll listened to ya when you tell me to take a potty break between flights.

mary beth said...

Great advice Deb!
Were the desserts wonderful? At the conferences I've been to the food was always okay but the desserts, especially anything chocolate, were awesome. I hope y'all have an awesome time!

Margaret Daley said...

I loved this!! LOL.


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