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Sunday, December 10, 2006

Be Still My Heart

I am thinking a lot lately about Nathaniel.

November 10, 1999 he was born to my husband and I...still.

Nathaniel suffered from Anecephaly. He died at 19 weeks, so there was no funeral or memorial service. Some days I feel that I am the only one that remembers him. With no headstone or marker to show that he was on this earth, I find myself creeping into the garage in the dark of night and pulling down a box from the top of the closet. In that box, is Nathaniel's gown, blanket, and hat that he wore; pictures of him; birth certificate; teddy bear; and hospital bracelet. I look at the pictures that display death in the most graphic sense and think that I am the only one in my family who ever saw him. Only my husband and I have ever looked at the pictures.

Because Nathaniel has weighed so heavily on my heart, I started searching out ways to retouch his images. I have finally found a place that will fix his photos. I plan on making a shadow box to store his keepsakes and hopefully put my spirit at ease.

Tonight, my family and I are attending a memorial service for stillborns at Hospice. This will be the first time in seven years that my children will light a candle for their brother.

2 comments:

Mindy Obenhaus said...

Deb,

Nathanial was, and always will be, a part of you and your husband. I never knew you'd lost a child. Your post touched me.
Perhaps God chose this time to lay Nathanial so heavily on your heart. If nothing else, to share him with your other 2 children.

Merry Christmas

Jennifer Hudson Taylor said...

Debra,

Your post touched me deeply. My daughter was born with a seizure disorder and my husband had to administer CPR eight times during her first year. I feared what you have lived through so she slept on my chest at night until she was so heavy I couldn't breath anymore. I'm so glad you shared his memory with your children. You might could write your family history for your children and their descendents and include a family tree. That way his memory will be preserved for not only your children, but their descendents as well.

God Bless you,

Jennifer

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